OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
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He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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