While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
