i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
