the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
