Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just found a bag of teeth...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
