i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
