My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize