I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
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