Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
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You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
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turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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