I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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