yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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