My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
