Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
im six kinds of drunk right now
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
