I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
