I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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