Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
