made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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