When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
