she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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