Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
