Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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