Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
