I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
