i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
