If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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