ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
