when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
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