Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
