allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
