Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
