Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
