please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You need a sexual gate keeper
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
