Do vagina's smell?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
