Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
