My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
God, I missed his penis.
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