My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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