True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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