there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
