I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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