Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
