He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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