This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
