Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
