i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
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