I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
