i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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