making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
