# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
