the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
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So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
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well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize