Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
