So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
