Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
