i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
