I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
