i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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