I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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