I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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