she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
